Lynda Nelson, Doctor
Life Balance – Being a physician/dentist & a mom
How long has it been since you took a good look at the Proverbs 31 woman? Have you ever evaluated all the tasks to which she applied herself? In the home she takes good care of her husband, and because of her good works, he enjoys a good reputation in the city. For the family, she provides good, nutritious food and makes sure the clothing for each individual is adequate for all weather. All these tasks demand that she rise early to organize the household. But her work reaches further than the home circle. She runs a clothing business, invests in land from her own earnings, and is always helping the poor.
Sounds like a daunting balancing act, doesn’t it? A type A personality. And all of that occurred before the age of household conveniences. One has to wonder whether she was the Old Testament Martha. So I have to ask – how many physicians/dentists who are also wives and mothers (ie Dr. Moms) have found themselves in the same balancing act? Caught on the horns of the two competing ideas seen above.
Most female professionals admit to being type A personalities – driven to excel, and masters at managing their time. This is what gave them the perseverance to get through medical school in the first place. And Mistress Medicine became a driving force in life’s priorities. Then along comes a husband – and suddenly there are extra meals to prepare and shirts to wash as well as the extra communication time to keep a relationship strong. And finally come the children – and suddenly the neat little package of life, where one controlled her time and enjoyed the mental stimulation and challenges that came with caring for patients, explodes into smithereens.
How’s a woman to respond? I asked several good friends* about their experience, collecting ideas and stories to see how they have handled life when priorities seem to clash. The survey was not meant to have statistical significance, but rather be a tool to share a few ideas. What quickly became apparent is that this clash was very real for all of them and was the cause of some of their greatest angst.
When I am juggling my various roles and appear to barely stay afloat, I feel dissatisfied with a constant push to want to accomplish more. My biggest challenge is contentment in my role and my identity.
It’s hard to keep up with changes in medicine AND feel like I’m there for my children. Sometimes when I’m with the children I feel like I’m just wasting my time but then when I’m away from them I feel guilty because I know they need me.. It’s hard to leave work at work, but necessary to not just be physically present with my kids but mentally there as well.
Reading Adventist Home and Child Guidance between residency and beginning a job, I was convicted that my job as a mother was just as important as the king on his throne, so I took it VERY seriously.
If children were in the picture during professional training, life was particularly challenging.
I guess I can say good time management has been helpful, but maybe I have taken it to the extreme. . . For example while driving on the beltway to and from the hospital I would simultaneously: eat breakfast / supper, study with note cards for USMLE exams, and breast pump with a hands- free electric pump!
After 24 hours of call, I would try to go with my family to the zoo and find myself sleeping and walking at the same time.
While some women have chosen to have a full-time medical/dental practice, most found that they could not “do it all.” This means they are generally more creative in how they approach professional careers – something that is much easier to do in today’s climate than it was in the past. It usually means “part-time” of some sort so that more time was available for the children.
What is clear is that everyone had stress worrying about childcare issues during work hours. How they attempted to handle it takes varied forms. Some have shared a full-time position with their spouse. Others have worked evenings when the spouse could be home to take care of the children. Still others are fortunate enough to have committed grandparents or other family members willing to watch the children or in some cases be a live-in nanny. The unfortunate are forced to scramble week by week for adequate child-care. And finally, some have laid down the stethoscopes and dental drills during child-rearing years. Even if care was stellar, most experienced guilt on some level at not being there for their children, of having divided loyalties and focus.
Besides the childcare issues, women face some other unique challenges in balancing career and family.
Maintaining my choice of putting “mother” first was difficult.
I think some of the biggest challenges have been keeping up and doing the reading I should. Of course, I did CME, often online as we didn’t want to go to conferences and leave the girls home.
My biggest challenge balancing work with motherhood was the emergencies where I was needed both at home and in the hospital.
When “mothering” is seen as a REAL JOB, taken as seriously as the career, it becomes easier to balance life. But developing strategies to make that happen is crucial. Here is a collection of ideas from the women who I talked to…
1. Plan devotional time – something all mothers found crucial. . My main coping mechanism was PRAYER and tears!
My best tool in keeping my priorities in line is the reassurance found in inspired writings.
Having faithful devotional time, even if a little person colored or looked at Bible story books doing their “God time” alongside, or even if it was reading short snippets while I nursed a baby, was essential.
2. Formulate ahead of time your parenting strategies. I wish that we had known the God-given principles of parenting prior to the birth of our first child so we could have prepared ourselves to be the parents that we are called to be….
My advice would be to take time early on in your marriage to study the responsibilities of motherhood, and decide ahead of time whether you are going to “buck” the worldly system and put motherhood first or your career first. Then, follow your convictions and you won’t regret your choice, because it was a deliberate one, not one by default.
3. Have understanding husbands who aren’t afraid to have a professional woman at his side as well as share home and child-rearing tasks.
My husband has been extremely supportive. Many times I’ve been tempted to just throw in the towel and quit working all together. Talking with him has been the best resource for helping me keep things in perspective.
4. I enlisted my family to all help with breakfast prep and delegated lunch prep for my children when they reached an accountable age. Having them do their homeschool work at the kitchen table Involve your children in your work and train them to carry age-appropriate responsibilities. while I baked was also helpful. Sticking to a routine with morning worship at the breakfast table kept the day moving better.
Family always has come first as much as possible. Apart from work, we never did activities or travel that didn’t include the whole family.
5. Engage with Christian friends who share common problems to help keep priorities straight.
While mentally understanding the challenges set out in Adventist Home, it took the observation of a physician mother and friend to really shape my perspective on balance between home and career.
6. Consider mission service – it often allows for much more flexibility. Sometimes that comes in the form of more flexible hours, but often it comes in the flexibility of the environment.
However, there are some caveats! . Raising our children in the mission field had the advantage of fewer media and peer distractions and less rigid boundaries between home and hospital. Our kids could come talk with us through the operating “theater” screen window. But the mission hospital was demanding of our time and attention. One thing that really saved us is that we lived overseas for several years where inhome help was affordable and we lived on a compound close to the hospital so could run home if we had to.
There were some work tasks our children could share – our pre-teen daughter often did her homeschool in the medical library while I taught or interviewed residents.
I still distinctly remember handling a difficult delivery while my children tousled with each other at 2 AM in an adjoining labor room, having been roused from their sleep to accompany Mom to labor & delivery.
7. Don’t judge – yourself or others who don’t fit your ideas of ideal. Understanding life situations (such as a Dr. Mom who is the only breadwinner in the family) is crucial. There is NO RIGHT WAY. The important thing is that each woman remain true to her dual calling in the manner in which the Lord reveals to her, and then to find peace in heeding that call.
Some final snippets of wisdom that the interviewed Dr. Moms would like to offer to fellow travelers:
We have only 1-2 decades to devote to our children and many other decades for mission work and careers. Treasure every moment with your kids. Saturate them with God, His love, and your love!!
While there are many other docs out there [usually], our children have only ONE Mommy.
I’m glad that I was both a professional AND a mother. Because of that, I appreciated the value of each and had no regrets. Whatever I did, I did because I had decided ahead of time what my priorities were and I have NEVER regretted it! God blessed me in both areas of my life.
Back to the Proverbs 31 woman – careful reading makes it seem that she was somehow able to be the perfect blend of Mary and Martha – submitting plans to God, but never idle. The chapter indicates she feared God, and approached each detail of her life with wisdom. It is my prayer that each of us as Dr. Moms will find that perfect blend – putting God first. He then becomes responsible for guiding us in planning and fitting His priorities into our lives, to allow us to live our lives under His control in serving both our families and mankind.
*Thanks to Drs. Bobetta Berthelsen, Tania Diaz, Jane Lee, Heather Mancebo, Rachel Nelson, Sherry Shrestha, and Melinda Skau for taking time to share their thoughts and lives. Italicized paragraphs are their words.
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